I predict that the recession will continue and unemployment will hover at 12% or higher through 2012. But Barack Obama will be re-elected anyway.

Dear Diary,

I turned into a beetle yesterday. A MALE beetle. Now Jitters and I can only get married if we move to Iowa or Vermont. And I don't think I could kiss him without stabbing him in the nose.

Buzzy is being his usual helpful self by emotionally scarring me. I can get partially even by posting my Anthrocon photos (I was a bunny then, **sobclick**), but after that he'll have all the advantages.

My only way back would be through the dark forest of indentured servitude to ForestFriends(TM). I know they have some horrible fate in store for me, I'll probably get locked up in some kid's firefly jar until I run out of air. I don't think I'm ready to sell my soul to them. In fact, I think I already sold my soul for a good Buzzy gag a few years back, but I can't remember what it is now.

Help!

ForestFriends(TM) would like to welcome Feloni to her new family, Scarabaeidae! Sounds a bit like Scooby Dooby Doo, doesn't it? She's also now in a special subfamily, Dynastinae, probably because she's destined to die in a nasty way. Everyone in the Arthropoda phylum, give her a big round of applause (or just wiggle your antennae together if you can't clap).

We wouldn't want to interfere with her newfound happiness in any way, particularly by ending this current mutation when the full moon fades. So consider this her final metamorphosis for all time.* Best wishes, former bunny!

* - Our hotline is still open and our original offer still stands, call soon before it's too late!

The convention is over! Feloni took pictures, she will be posting her perspective of the con as soon as she gets access to my home computer (which is hopefully never). I bought a voodoo fennec picture and a 5 cent conbadge and a bunch of books and a wooden bunny and a ceramic bunny. I watched some puppet shows, met the creator of Underdog, saw really old cartoons, and drooled over stuff in the art show that was too expensive to buy.

I also learned about two cute webcomics that have been hiding from me:
http://www.sankam.net/SotF00.html
http://chrispco.emeybee.com/precocious/archive/introductions/001.html

More later, I have to pretend I'm busy working...

This year we've won the Super Bowl and the Stanley Cup, and we're hosting the G20 summit and Anthrocon. We rock!

I mean mortal combat... http://feloni.mybrute.com/

Latest breaking news developments available here: http://www.jamster.com/jcw/java/info.do?contentType=13&doc=19672456

Dear To Whom It May Concern (this means you, rabbit):

Our accounting department has brought a small matter to my attention. We graciously extended you a line of credit circa 2006, which enabled you to send a plethora of delightful gifts to your friend Mr. Not A Squirrel without the hassle of checks or credit cards. Our collection agent gorilla, as you may recall, was returned to us as a rabbit, a rabbit who was unable to reimburse us for your debt, interest, and late fees.

After lengthy internal consultation, we came to an agreement with our distant subsidiary, ForestFiends(TM). You're probably quite fond of them for the delightful change of pace they bring upon you each lunar cycle. Unfortunately, I'm afraid that July's mutation will take a turn for the worse. You're scheduled to transform into something grisly, at least six legs, multifaceted eyes, bad breath, the works. And it seems that, unlike prior mutations, this one will be sadly permanent.

Ah, but now we get to our little proposition. Due to economic difficulties, we've been forced to reduce staff, and some of our contractual obligations are in jeopardy. Should you decide to perform a series of services on our behalf, the net savings on unbreached contracts will accrue toward payment of your debt. Once your debt is paid off in its entirety, you'll be free to resume your meaningless normal life. As a goodwill gesture, we'll also put in a word with ForestFiends(TM) to curtail the duration of your impending metamorphosis.

One last note. At ForestFriends(TM), we pride ourselves on our exemplary customer service. Should your performance prove... inadequate, we would have to send you over to the remedial training program linked below. They're currently on round 34 and most of the participants are quite exhausted, as you can imagine. http://pbfcomics.com/?cid=PBF152-Scorpy_the_Forest_Friend.gif

Assasinate> She complimented me on my name, she said it was cool.*
Me> Another cool name would be Assasinine.
Me> It's Assasinate + 1, and it also has the word 'asinine' in it.
Assasinate> Thank you. :-)

I like it when people thank me for making fun of them.

* - The lamest names in EverQuest are misspelled words that describe your character class's primary function, like Stabb, Nook, or Archur.

Jitters picked me up at the airport, yay! Buzzy did too, but he was a turkey at the time, and he smelled delightfully oven-roasted. Too bad he changed back the next day, I wouldn't have minded a drumstick or two. Anyway, Jitters and I spent almost the entire weekend practicing our hugging and kissing, with only a few brief breaks for me to give Buzzy his presents.

First off was the Schnuffel CD, so Buzzy could hear all the lovely songs he'd been avoiding like the plague. It was fun watching him curl up and scream when he saw the "Ich hab dich lieb" video for the first time (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEZjP1HzATE). Buzzy's Keeper was traumatized as well, but the songs made their way onto the iPod anyway. (I don't know why anyone would want to Keep Buzzy, Discard maybe, or Recycle, or Incinerate, or...) I got him a pre-emptive Thank You card too, the front cover had a bunny who said "I'd like to thank you from the bottom of my butt", the inside said "It's bigger than my heart", and the back cover said, "And it's more expressive too". It's nice to know Hallmark is making cards especially for me. Oh, I also gave Buzzy a Thumper-and-his-sisters sticker/coloring book; it had a wonderfully icky-cute story, but Buzzy decided to retell it in his own words. It turned into a tragedy based on "The Lottery", where one bunny was chosen each spring by drawing a white pebble and singled out to be sent down the river on a log to die. The bunnies were saying, "Ha ha, I didn't get the pebble!", "Oh no, you got the pebble!", "I'm a turtle, turtles can't get pebbles.", "Birds don't get pebbles either, why do only bunnies get pebbles?" and other horrible things. It was shocking that Disney would make such a disturbing story for children, but you can get your own copy here: http://www.amazon.com/Bunnies-Stickers-Disney/dp/1403730210/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1245210680&sr=8-11. I heard that my butler found a white pebble outside the movie theater and gave it to Buzzy's Keeper, that was one of the brightest things he's ever done (which isn't saying much, honestly). Buzzy also got two frequent customer bonus presents: a miniature killer whale from Forest Fiends and a wind-up martian robot from Forest Friends. He made out like a bandit all right.

The next day, Buzzy got to open the box I'd sent him through the mail from ThinkGeek.com. He ate some of the gummy bacon (it was strawberry-flavored, I don't know how they make bacon taste like that). I got him a sadistic, maximum-difficulty metal compass puzzle called NEWS; that kept Buzzy's Keeper's Spouse busy for hours. Buzzy's Keeper also got a pair of Monty Python and the Holy Grail killer bunny slippers, they got to stomp around for a while and then spent an entire afternoon slobbering on Buzzy, so I gave them a big paws-up.

Sadly, I couldn't stay this time around, but I'll be back for endless Jitters smoochy-snuggles from September through December. Buzzy's already practicing his gag reflex for then. I hope he has enough gags.

Edit: Oh, I forgot to mention, my butler got a present from them too! It's a computer watch pre-loaded with an assortment of distressing and/or embarrassing photographs. Everything from ferrets sticking their tongues out to him trying to squeeze into a giant birdhouse, plus lots of scary squirrel pictures. He didn't know whether to cry or wind his watch.

Thursday
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I headed to the airport still wearing my suit from work. My flight into Las Vegas landed late, I had to hurry to blow $20 in the slot machines at the airport before boarding began. As always, when I called Buzzy's Keeper to announce my pending arrival, Buzzy answered the phone. I let him know that I'd be landing in an hour, and that yes, I brought "Fathead" Feloni as promised. Buzzy happened to be a turkey when he picked me up at the airport, but at least Jitters looked normal. I presented the gang with some presents from Feloni before I turned in for the night. I noticed there was a revolution going on between the plush squirrels and the plush rabbits in the guest bedroom, but the bunnies had the upper hand and had removed the boots, flippers, and snowshoes from the enemy combatants (I shuddered to think what was next). Buzzy's Keeper and Buzzy's Keeper's Spouse (henceforth referred to as BK and BKS for short) notified me that a Clapper had been installed in the room, so I could turn the lights on and off just by clapping twice, neato! I tested it once and it worked great. As I turned in for bed with a glass of water while the room was dark, I couldn't clap because I had the glass in one hand, so I slapped myself in the face twice instead. There was a delay of about five seconds, but the light did go on. Further testing revealed that the Clapper was inconsistent at best, and the lights started blinking on and off randomly, when nobody was clapping. BK and BKS eventually revealed that they had a remote control installed to the lamp instead of a Clapper, and they controlled the lighting, so I had slapped myself in the face without due cause. That absolved me of any guilt I may have felt for the remainder of the trip, including scaring BK on the way out of the Indiana Jones ride.

Friday
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BKS is an early bird, BK is a night owl, and I'm normal (sleepwise anyway) so BKS and I usually go shopping in the morning while BK waking up and getting ready. We went to Costco to pick up some shirts and my Disneyland annual pass, then off to Sears for some Dockers pants. Sears had a good deal going on, buy $50 worth of Dockers and get a $50 rebate, nice! After that, we spent the rest of the day at Disneyland, riding all the major rides we like best and having dinner at the Blue Bayou inside the Pirates of the Carribean ride. I picked up a red-eyed crystal devilbunny from the gift shop. After we got back to the apartment, Feloni handed her big Box O' Joy to Buzzy (he liked the Gummy Bacon at least). I used the backup lamp in the guest room because someone had stolen the remote, rendering the main lamp useless.

Saturday
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I got to see "Enchanted" on TV, a moderately-deranged story of an idyllic Disney princess tossed into cynical New York City while being pursued by an evil queen from her old world. It had some funny moments and a good moral about the ideal of love being about halfway between pessimism and optimism. Then we went out to see "Up", the latest top-notch Pixar film. While I enjoyed the talking dog and the general mayhem of the plot, the highlight by far was the first eight minutes, which told the life story of the protagonist in heartbreaking glory. I look forward to the day when the movie studios can make an entire animated film as good as that prelude. Later that day, we went to my first baseball game in over 20 years, watching the Angels play the Padres. The Angels guy who'd recently been living out of his car hit three home runs; overall it was a far better performance than my last Pirates game, where the highlight was one Pirate reaching second base in a shutout. I overdosed on milkshakes and barbecue; combined with the hot dog from "Up" I was getting woozy from too much junk food. BK gave me a Rally Monkey, a special magic Angels baseball charm that has Rules (you can only wave it around late in the game when it's tied or the Angels are losing, so I didn't get to play with him). At bedtime I asked who had the remote, nobody replied. I couldn't tell whether it was BK or BKS, they're both sneaky.

Sunday
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I caught up on my web browsing and watched parts of National Treasure 2 while we got ready for our traditional California Adventure / Disneyland split day. I got ratatouille again at the New Orleans Cafe to make up for a total absence of vegetables the day before. I also almost got to eat a penny while in line for Soarin' Over California (try again in December, BK). They're putting in a new Fantasmic-style attraction at California Adventure, it should be ready for my visit in May 2010. I picked up a cute Bambi and Thumper lightbox sculpture at the park http://ep.yimg.com/ip/I/yhst-25237676870894_2057_11288180, paid for with the bonus $50 Disney gift card from Costco. I stayed up a bit too late packing and saying good-bye to late-sleeper BK; I had to get up at 4AM the next morning to catch my plane.

Monday
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I got to ride the collicky baby express from Los Angeles to Chicago, yays! Then in Chicago, I ordered a Chicago Dog and they put ketchup on it; if Dirty Harry were dead, he'd be rolling in his grave. When I reboarded the plane, I saw a sign marked "Magazine Stowage", pointed it out to the folks around me, and asked if Elmer Fudd built the plane. Everyone ignored me, bleh. I managed to catch the buses just perfectly in order to get home without needing a taxi, one missed connection would have doomed me to losing about $35. I missed the Penguins' Stanley Cup parade, alas, but I got to read all about it.

Check it out, one of my favorite Japanese cartoon series, about a short-fused super-sorceress and a swordsman whose skill with a blade is rivaled only by his stupidity. It's best in Japanese with English subtitles, but the dubbed version isn't bad.

http://www.youtube.com/show?p=7B469gIRVcM
http://www.youtube.com/show?p=ev7L35Kq7JI

... it would be Half Life Portal. It's clever, sadistic, sarcastic, deranged, and highly amusing. You wake up in the Aperature Science testing facility where they provide you with a gun that makes holes in the wall when you fire it. When you enter the orange-ringed hole, you come out the blue-ringed hole, and vice-versa, no matter how far apart the holes are. Your goal is to get through a series of 19 increasingly difficult obstacle courses using only the holes and your ability to lift things. Physics play an interesting role: you can make a hole in the floor and another hole in the wall above you in order to drop in and go flying forward at high speed, for instance. Livening up the complicated puzzles is the voice of the lady computer, who makes 2001's H.A.L. seem like the epitome of rationality by comparison. She'll occasionally give you helpful advice, but far more often she'll offer comments that make you cry on the inside, usually right after you encounter one of those "Oh no, how the heck am I supposed to get past THIS?" moments. There are bunches of other amusing cruelties, like murderous laser-bots that sweetly coo, "Where are you?" or "Could you come a little closer please?" as they try to splatter your blood over the walls, not to mention the legendary Weighted Companion Cube, which has little hearts on every face, and you have to carry it around with you the whole way through a particularly long mission.

I think I've done fairly well, halfway through level 18 (of 19 advertised levels) in 2 1/2 hours. The ending is one of the greatest ever, the "Still Alive" song, in which the computer, rather than customarily congratulating you on your success, mocks you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6ljFaKRTrI

Update: Yay, I completed the game and got my cake and the closing song. I still have to complete the advanced maps though (as if they weren't advanced enough already, eep!) Maybe I'll start on those tomorrow.

Ummmm, help??? There are robins out here! And I can't tell the difference between my mouth and my butt. ForestFiends(TM) is going to get an earful once I'm capable of picking up the phone again.

And don't be so smug Buzzy, I never forget who's truly responsible for these mutations. Your days of wattling in peace are numbered.

"Land of the Lost" reruns on the Sci-Fi channel. Cheesy special effects, hammy acting, and, uh, mustardy screenwriting made for a rather dubious series from an adult perspective, but the otherworldliness of it made it a fond childhood memory. As far as I know, the sci-fi alternate-reality genre is no longer in play for children's TV, and that makes me sad.

Buzzy insisted that I'm crazier than he is. I don't think so.

Poll #1410488 To resolve this once and for all...
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All

Who's crazier, me or Buzzy?

Ick, two nasty things coming up on the horizon:

1. My company is having another re-org, and my carpoolers will probably be working downtown while I have to work in the distant suburbs.

2. My local public transportation system is planning to move from a community-oriented bus service to a park-and-ride based bus service, which will only provide bus service to people who own cars.

Adding 1. and 2. together will mean that, unless I get lucky and find someone else to carpool with, I'll be unable to get to work and lose my job, and I'll also be unable to commute to a new job.

I know a lot of folks would recommend that I learn how to drive, but that takes months which I don't have, and my brain isn't ideally wired for driving (I daydream occasionally and I don't multitask well at all; in a complicated crisis I don't trust myself to make a split-second best decision).

I guess I'll wait a bit and see how things develop. Learning to drive is an absolute last resort for me. I don't want to put myself or others at any risk, but if the alternative is eternal unemployment and eventual starvation, I'll have to take the risk.

The next time I take the lid off a Ceasar salad, I'd better see a stabbing.